Ross von Metze | March 02, 2006
Donald Trump and Martha Stewart wage a war of words
Call me crazy, but to me, nothing is more entertaining than when two random celebrities go head to head in a battle of �who can be bitchier� over nothing.
This week, in one corner, we have Martha Stewart – host of the failed The Apprentice: Martha Stewart and the barely hanging in there Martha. In the other corner – real estate and media mogul Donald Trump, host of the more successful (albeit fading) The Apprentice: Donald Trump.
The bitch fest started when Martha (come on – you had to know she threw the first punch) issued a statement and basically blamed the failure of her show on the fact that the original plan was that she was supposed to �replace� Donald by firing him on the first episode of her show, thus capitalizing on his viewership. She says that idea was axed when Donald decided he wanted to continue hosting his own version of The Apprentice.
Donald was quick to fire back, calling Martha�s version of what happened bullshit. He sent a letter to Martha: �Essentially, you made this firing up just as you made up your sell order of ImClone. The only difference is – that was more obvious. Putting your show on the air was a mistake for everybody – especially NBC. Your performance was terrible in that the show lacked mood, temperament and just about everything else a show needs for success."
Damn � why don�t you just drag the bitch�s prison stay into the argument? Are you sure you�re not gay Donald?
Martha, true to form, is taking the �wounded puppy� approach to Donald� response, saying it�s so mean spirited, she can�t believe it came from her dear friend Donald.
Um, I could be wrong Martha, but it sounds like it�s a little too late to kiss his ass now. You�ve played this part before, and if I may, it�s quite unbecoming on you. I�ve heard enough � Martha, my dear. You are our �Bitch of the Week.�
Martha�s show was cancelled in November due to low ratings and, if I may, Madame Stewart – I must side with Donald on this one. You do lack a certain flair for creating interesting television and your daughter, who you may have employed as one of your board room flunkies as a way of helping her pay rent, has even less personality. Leave it to Donald and bow out gracefully.
No word yet on Don�s latest response, but I promise � I�ll let you know just as soon as I hear something. And should you have a nominee for a Bitch of the Week, send us the scathing details at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Kid Rock, Christian Band Creed and the SEX TAPE!
Meanwhile, with on camera etiquette that would make Martha cringe, Kid Rock and Creed singer Scott Stapp are fighting to get an injunction against a sex tape of the two having an orgy with a bevy of drunken and trailer park beautiful groupies that surfaced last week on the Internet.
On the tape, Rock and Stapp (who, by the way, is the lead singer of a Christian rock band ... Mr. Hypocrite) bring a slew of scantily clad, cowboy hat wearing hoez backstage to a trailer (and by trailer, I do mean motorhome looking contraption) for a little R&R.; In Stapp�s case, that appears to be a blowjob, to which he replies, on camera � �this is my second today. I feel like a fucking king.�
Meanwhile, Rock�s over in the corner with some nasty ass standing behind him, rubbing her hands all up his butt. I think she might be fingering him. I can�t quite tell, the quality�s kind of low, but I do know this. He seems to be quite enjoying himself, and Stapp�s about 4 feet away.
When are these people gonna learn? Don�t film your sex! Not even for kinks, and especially not when you�re in danger of passing out before you take the tape out of the camera. This shit winds up on Access Hollywood, YouTube.com, at a DVD duplicator in the Valley for mass distribution just as soon as everything�s cleared up in court.
Bad move, badasses.
Nick asks Jessica for Cash; Gemstones
In a similarly stupid story, Nick Lachey has officially made the request to receive spousal support from Jessica Simpson now that the pair have parted ways. But it�s not just cash Nick�s seeking � he wants jewelry, lots of it. Anything he gave Jessica during their three year marriage he wants back.
See, Jessica and Nick are one of the only duos in Hollywood that don�t have a prenup. When the two hooked up, Nick was making ever so slightly more money than Jessica. His band 98 Degrees had a pair of platinum albums while Jessica was still licking the sweat of Britney and Christina�s massive success.
Now that Jessica has become something of a gimmick thanks to the MTV show Newlyweds, she can buy and sell Mr. Lachey a couple dozen times over. In fact, it�s rumored she�s pocketed a cool $50 million since that show came on the air, and without paperwork saying the money�s hers, she might just have to cough up some cash.
The two are also debating when, in fact, they called it quits. Nick says it was December 13. Jessica insists it was the day before Thanksgiving. So what�s the big deal? In less than a month, the bitch pocketed another million, which Nick might be entitled to a portion of were they still together.
And this is the virginal Christian couple that vowed to stay together forever? Honey, when your dad�s a pimp and your mom�s a whore, nothing lasts forever.
Salma and Penelope More Than Just Friends?
Originally, I planned to limit this story to LesbiaNation.com, but much like Angelina Jolie is the subject of many a wet dream for men and women alike, something tells me the potential pairing of Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz would get similar widespread support.
The pair have been best of friends since filming the Western adventure Bandidas early last year. They laughed, they cried, they spoke sweet Spanish nothings into each other�s ears, got Punk�d by Ashton Kutcher, even talked about each other�s titties on Entertainment Tonight (Penelope wishes she had cantaloupes like Salma while Salma is more in the market for a pair of kumquats).
Now, Penelope is talking about her bestest gal pal in words that sound just a tad more heated than friendship. She told a reporter, and I quote: "This is the best chemistry! She keeps me awake, you know?�
No, we don�t know � We�d like to know. In fact, we�d like to watch. It could just be that Latin passion mixed with a European sophistication talking, but come on � we can hope for more, can�t we?
Hottie of the Week: Marcus Coloma
For all four of you who have been watching South Beach (and you really should check it out cuz the men are hot, Vanessa Williams is a fierce, salsa dancing version of Locklear on Melrose Place and it's a terrible image obsessed show that JLo says pays homage to her culture ... dumb bitch). Anywho, the breakout hottie has to be Marcus Coloma, who got my heart racing last year as a man of the cloth on Point Pleasant. Now that he gets to wear decidedly less clothing, I'm stoked ... and you will be too.
And so, folks, another week has come and go. Sop up all this gooey gossip and share with you friends. We�ll be back with more dirt next week.
Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.
Rumors have Tom and Katie calling it quits