Hollywood Celebrity Buzz
Ross von Metze | May 17, 2006
Britney's pregnant ...
Guess what? Britney�s not just fat � she really is pregnant, so all you people who were placing bets can pay up.
After weeks of speculation by the tabloids, Britney Spears made a surprise appearance on David Letterman to let the gay out of the bag. She and her thug of a hubby Kevin Federline are expecting their second (his fourth) baby this fall.
Oh, where to begin. I�ve become convinced there�s now no way out of this career rut Britney�s marriage, subsequent pregnancy and run-ins with child protective services have put her in. Though the pop star claims she�s eager to get back in the recording studio (oh God, please) and in front of the cameras (double whammy), she�s managed to find herself with a bun in the oven yet again, largely putting her out of commission until 2007.
So what exactly is the shelf-life for a pop star for a singer whose music is almost entirely crafted for the pre-teen, high-school and gay male demographic? Debbie Gibson managed three hit albums before her mainstream pop career stalled. Tiffany only got two. Taylor Dayne still tours the gay pride circuit, but she hasn�t had an album of new material out on a major label in more than a decade. And Paula Abdul? Well, we see her weekly on American Idol, but I�ve come to accept that all this talk of a big comeback album s never going to materialize into anything more than talk.
Go ahead and argue that Britney is more Janet than Paula (and I�ll argue right back that even placing Britney at Paula�s level is kind but undeserving), but the chances of her managing to ride this wave of success well into 2007 are slim. I think it�s possible Britney can manage to pop out another kid, find her way back to a studio, record an uber-funky dance ditty and wind up back on top of the pop charts, but I must admit it�s highly unlikely.
Getting preggers less than six months after the last bun popped out of your oven is the oldest trick in the book � it�s the trailer trash way of explaining why you haven�t been able to take off the baby weight, and an easy explanation to any record label why you just aren�t feeling strong enough to get back behind the mic and record. Besides, any decent OB-GYN will tell you that using all of the electronic devices it must take to make Britney sound even halfway decent on an album can�t be good for the baby.
So as we anxiously await the arrival of baby Preston�s little sister or brother, and Malibu PD calls for reinforcements, we can play the collection of Britney records currently collecting dust in everyone�s CD bin and ponder whether or not the one time princess of pop will ever reclaim her throne.
Tom Cruise's movie tanks
The prince of cineplexes was dealt a mid-career blow over the weekend when fans shouted unanimously they had far less interest in watching Tom Cruise flee bullets and blow up cars than they used to.
At first sight, a $47 million opening weekend for Mission Impossible III sure doesn�t look like a flop, but compare that to the $46 million the first installment took in opening weekend 10 years ago � in 1,000 fewer theatres with ticket prices an average $2 less. Six years ago, the sequel managed $58 million.
It�s not quite fair to call Mission Impossible III a flop yet. I mean, it�s not like it�s doing Basic Instinct II numbers (where the movie made less than they paid Sharon Stone). But given Tom�s track record and the fact that whenever he appears in public it�s with this air of indestructibility and an ego the size on Montana on his shoulder, an opening weekend a good $20 million off what most industry folks were predicting is a major disappointment � and I can tell you right now, I�m grinning from ear to ear.
Not that I get off on the misery of others. OK, maybe just a little, but only when I feel that they have it coming. No one has come off like more of an ass in this past year than Tom (JLo and Paris Hilton, who in my opinion looks like asses every day of their lives, notwithstanding). I don�t know when Tom went from being nice guy next door everyone could relate to and felt like they knew to epithet spouting, religious fanatic who cursed actresses private affairs in interviews and proclaimed himself an expert on all things related to the psyche, but it happened, and now, even the gays don�t want him. For years we�ve been trying to convince the world that Tom Cruise is indeed gay, and now, we don�t want him on our team.
Zip your pants up Tom. We ain�t interested.
Weekend number two will better define just how much of a flop this flick will be compared to its predecessors, but given midweek grosses, between you and me, things don�t look pretty.
But Britney popping out kids just to save face and Tom pulling yet another �tom,� as it�s come do be known, aren�t even enough to justify naming either star our...
Bitch of the Week.
No, that title goes o a quasi celeb so jaded, so uppity, in spite of all the bitches Hollywood�s been cranking out lately, this week, there was no contest.
Kimora Lee Simmons, soon to be ex-wife of rap mogul Russell Simmons, has made a pretty penny for herself with her Baby Phat clothing line (which I argue would have never found its way to department stores if she hadn�t had his capital to kick things off).
But in recent months, her attitude has gone through the roof, from merely being a business mogul with champagne dreams and caviar tastes to taking her penchant for million dollar hobbies a wee bit over the top.
While most celebs would be contented to kicking back for a nice pedicure in warm water, a team of pedicurists catering to their every whim, Simmons demands that her feet be bathed in the finest champagne � $1300 a bottle, two and a half bottles per foot.
That is more than I paid for my first car, and this bitch gets it done twice a month.
And if that weren�t bad enough, get a load of what our source claims Simmons was spouting off about while giving her feet the royal treatment.
�I am happy and wished that Russell and I departed years ago. Russell and I had outgrown one another years ago and the little blue pill did not help our sex life. This is off the record, oh hell you can report it, Russell was awful in bed.�
Well, um, that�s not why golddiggers marry rich men. They do it to advance their careers, then get some nookie on the side. And Kimora, your career is about ten times hotter than anyone in Hollywood ever expected it to be, so shut the hell up. Usually, I�d rattle on about all the reasons I hate Kimora, but this time, I think I�ll just some things up with a big ole �fuck you,� and stamp her forehead with a much deserved Bitch of the Week.
Bad Ass of the Week
Granted, it�s been months since Charlize Theron vowed she and hottie boyfriend Stuart Townsend wouldn�t get married until gay people were granted the right to marry, but we just saw her acceptance speech at the GLAAD Media Awards this past week and had to bring it up again.
Poised, stunning and with brains to boot, Charlize took to that stage with her openly gay co-star from North Country and declared to gay men and women across America that this was a fight we needed to stick together on� that as long as one persons rights are being abused, all peoples rights are being abused. Now that�s a lady I could get behind� and I feel fairly safe in assuming you are all in agreement.
Hottie of the Week
And finally, the moment I know you�ve all been waiting for, this week�s Hottie! Every week, it�s a test to see how we can top ourselves from last time. We get nominees � we get helpful hints, but this week, I must admit, I sat perplexed as to who exactly was worthy enough for the title. So I started scouring the Web, looking for potential nominees, and I found him � well, OK, to be fair, Jessica Simpson found him, then dumped him, leaving Nick Lachey ripe for the picking.
I must admit, I didn�t start out a Nick fan. Always found him hot, never found him interesting. But the poise and dignity with which he�s managed to handle himself in the wake of his impending divorce from family Simpson is admirable � and the fact that I�m convinced he�ll walk away from this disaster with a career Jessica Simpson might only dream about is but the icing on the cake. So sit back, gush, and dream of what it must be like to wake up next to this hunk of man every morning.
And there you have it folks. Another day, another dollar, another string of celebs to talk smack about. Thanks for reading and til we meet again!
Ross von Metzke is the Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine and a featured columnist for GayWired.com. His work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Gay Web Monkey. Ross lives in San Diego.
There's already talk of a Star Jones smackdown courtesy of Rosie on The View