ENTERTAINMENT NEWS Hollywood Celebrity Buzz Gossip So Good, It's Got To Be Gay Ross von Metzke | April 11, 2007 My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps and more Not the sort of lyrics you typically think of as haunting, thought-provoking, ethereal—but in the hands of always ingenious Alanis Morrissette, they’re anything she damn well wants them to be. And in a video spoof of the Black Eyed Peas smash, she proves she’s still got that stroke of musical genius that made Jagged Little Pill the angst ridden solution to many a ’90s teen’s woes. Besides – given that she’s splitsville from long time fiancé Ryan Reynolds, who can blame a girl for wanting to sink her teeth into something saccharin sweet. If I’d let that beefy hunk of man slip from my death grip, I’d be in desperate need of some cheering up too. And really – what better way to make light of a bad situation than by going after Fergie? By slowing down and making a ballad of one of the corniest, catchiest songs to hit radio in recent memory, Alanis manages to remind America she has a sparking set of pipes while proving herself an able comedienne in a mere four minutes. From slapping her ass to drowning herself in her man’s “icy, icy”, “My Humps” becomes a colossal joke – and Alanis is the ringleader. Best part is, Fergie loved it… she even sent flowers. We’re not exactly sure what prompted Alanis to put her spin on the hip-hop hit. She didn’t host SNL or MadTV. It wasn’t some intro spoof for the Grammy’s. Her official Web site doesn’t even acknowledge its existence. And yet, there it is, for the masses to enjoy. Now on to some real gossip – as some of you may or may not know, Out Magazine raised some eyebrows this week with its annual power issue… by naming Jodie Foster as one of the most powerful gay women in Hollywood. She was joined by Anderson Cooper and a number of other celebrities “known” to be gay in an article on the glass closet. The fuss is that Out treated Jodie and Anderson as if their being gay was a known, documented, confirmed fact. It’s not. I could go on for paragraphs and paragraphs about why Out likely felt compelled to do this – I mean, controversy sells magazines, does it not – but I think the best thing I can do is turn you loose on my opinion on the matter. I said it all, why say it again here. Click here to get the scoop. OK, moving on to something I will be recording on my TiVo – I will be inviting a group to my house to share a bucket of popcorn – I will be drinking, taking notes, and YouTubing the shit out of Jennifer Lopez’s appearance on American Idol next week. Why? Because she’s the vocal coach. Jennifer ‘pulled my hair back in a ponytail for some novella attempt at singing a ballad with my husband but didn’t actually manage to learn the notes to the song’ Lopez is vocal coaching. Well, truth be told, that’s no better than Sanjaya making the top twelve. J-Lo is swinging by Fox’s “talent” competition to promote her just released Spanish CD and perform her “hit” single “Que Hiciste” on her show. She’ll also do the requisite coaching on the previous episode and help the contestants hone their skills for performance night. Now, I’m not saying American Idol is known for pitting truly gifted singers with their performers – I mean, this season alone, Diana Ross and Gwen Stefani have both given vocal advice to the far superior Melinda Doolittle and LaKisha Jones. Were this a dance competition, I’d say JLo might be the most qualified person currently on the charts to offer advice. But vocals? Why not bring back Kelly Clarkson and let her give it a go with the contestants? I shouldn’t comment before I’ve actually seen the train wreck – word is, Jenny sounds much better than ever before on this release, and you know the one-two flop of her engagement to Ben Affleck and her last CD had to smart. Maybe this time around, she’ll bring a pitch pipe and a prayer for Jesus. And don’t even get me started on her session with Sanjaya – maybe they can braid each other’s hair and watch Gigli. Something that never ceases to amaze me has happened yet again – a nothing actress has seen her life crumble to bits before her very eyes with the looming release of her sex tape. Lauren Conrad, star of the middling reality show The Hills, is the latest actress to find her most intimate moments surface on tape. In the video, she’s shown riding her former boyfriend Jason Wahler who, coincidentally, was just sentenced to serve time after three arrests in twelve months. Apparently, Jason’s trying to sell the tape before they send him up the river, and Lauren, who was apparently in on “the making of”, is livid, going so far as to break into his apartment in search of. To make matters worse, folks aren’t commenting on the sex itself (supposedly, it’s pretty vanilla) but are far more interested in what PerezHilton referred to as “really large beef curtains.” NASTY! Here’s hoping, like Paris and Colin and Britney before her, sex on tape propels Lauren to the heights of… well, none of them are terribly high or mighty, but it might just get her the cover of US Weekly. So long as she’s wearing her panties. And finally, Whitney is officially a free woman – with sole custody of Bobbi Kristina. The 43-year-old songstress finalized her divorce in an Orange County court Thursday, getting emotional before the judge as she told him that communicating with Bobby has become increasingly difficult because he’s unreliable and never where he says he’s going to be – the “My Prerogative” star didn’t even bother to show up for court. Leaving the courtroom though, Whitney’s frown turned upside down when a photographer scrambling to get a picture tumbled off the curb, prompting Whit to burst out in uproarious laughter: "That's what happens! That's what I'm talking about!" OK, so Whitney still sounds like a 75-year-old chain smoker, but it’s nice to see her get her personality back. As Whit’s SUV pulls away from the curb, she yells, "Did you get that on camera?!" Click here to see Whit's moment in all its glory. And there you have it folks – another week knee deep in dirt. Enjoy until next time, and remember – stop and smell the gossip! Ross von Metzke is the Entertainment Editor of Gay Web Monkey and GayWired.com. The former Editor in Chief of Xodus Magazine, his work has appeared in YM, Performing Arts, The San Diego Union Tribune, Entertainment Weekly, Instinct and Link. Ross lives in Los Angeles. Previous edition America is officially in a dire place