This week in the world of lesbian gossip
Tracy E. Gilchrist | July 11, 2008
Lindsay Lohan, Kathy Griffin
Hallelujah! Raise a glass of Ambien-laced Grey Goose and Red Bull! The Lush, The Lez, Lindsay Lohan made it to her 22nd birthday alive and conscious this past holiday weekend! That’s reason enough to maw down on hot dogs, guzzle Miller Lite and set off a shitload of fireworks.
And sweet lil Linds celebrated her making it through another year with a prom-themed birthday bash at one of her former, fave spots to get sauced and verbally assault hapless poser party girls, Teddy’s at the Roosevelt Hotel in the heart of Hollywood.
Linds is living proof that any hot mess can ram her Benz into a fence on Sunset Blvd fight a DUI charge or two, evade a prison stint, famously pass out in the front seat of a car while the paparazzi enjoy the field day, suck the life out of what was once a promising career and at the end of the day, find true lezzy love! That’s right, Linds’ big gay DJ to the stars, Samantha Ronson, spun eighties and modern tunes for her lover’s bash.
But it was a big ole family affair. Lindsay's lil bro Michael – named in honor of father of the year Michael Lohan – and Mother of the Year, Dina Lohan were there in all of their trailer-trash glory to laud Lindsay's success in making it through her 21st year on the planet alive. Dina made some sort of speech and thanked the guests for coming, whilst she ignored the tiny fact that her eldest child – and the apple of her money-grubbing eye – Lindsay’s wildly attached by the hip to a full-on dyke.
Linds sported a bright pink, strapless, micro mini-dress, according to reports and Sam was never far behind, keeping a hand on the small of Linds’ back and offering up a sweet peck on the lips for the birthday girls’ big night. At one point, Lil Lezzy Linds joined Sam in the DJ booth and pumped her arms in the air while Sam spun Journey’s classic “Don’t Stop Believin”. Awww. How sweet. It’s likely a little game of Monster that Linds and Sam play at home, when they toss the Journey on the turntable, slap on the roller skates and recreate that ever-romantic, pre-serial killing spree between Charlize Theron’s Aileen Wuornos and her lover, Christina Ricci’s Selby.
Earlier in the day Linds and Sam enjoyed a family outing at Disneyland, blowing kisses to Minnie Mouse and riding the coasters. Is that what we’re calling it these days? Riding the coaster? I didn’t think Lindsay went in for metaphor but hell, love is a bloody roller coaster and these two are enjoying the plunge.
When asked what she’d like for her 22nd year Linds said she’d like to resuscitate the career she choked the ever-living shit out of. Okay, not really. But she did say she wanted to, “live a happy, healthy year and continue on the path I’ve been on and be with the person I care about and my family,” according to The Daily Mail. Awww.
Our little Linds is growing up. Good on the girl, but I kinda sorta miss the raging bitch who told Ashley Olsen to “Get her 15-year-old Full House ass away from her girlfriend,” just a few months ago.
Her moral gain is our leering at a train wreck loss.
And just for old time's sake...
It was bound to happen sometime and amid rumors that the Empress Madonna and her man Guy Ritchie are in the throws of a nasty break-up, her brother Christopher Ciccone has thrown her under the bus and penned a real pot-boiler, Life With My Sister Madonna, co-written by professional celebrity bad-mouther Wendy Leigh.
While it’s tough to imagine what Christopher could possibly reveal that would be more crude and downright juicier than Madonna’s own Truth or Dare confession, circa 1992, that she let her BFF finger-fuck her back in their barely post-pubescent days, or Madonna’s own Truth or Dare game in which she exhibited her advanced blow-job skills on a bottle, or her SEX book in which she pretty much got into every possible fetish for the cams, or making out with a pre-nut job Britney Spears on stage, or… well, you get the picture. Madonna’s fairly taken the wind out of her dumbass brother's sails by claiming all that shit for herself. There’s not much ole Christopher could spill.
But he does reveal a tasty, if not curious, little nugget about how Madonna hauled plain-Jane, sad-assed Gwyneth Paltrow up onto a table – where the Kabbalah – crazed icon was dancing at Donatella Versace’s New Year’s Eve party – and made out with the woman who ripped Cate Blanchett’s much-deserved Oscar for Elizabeth out from under her 10 years ago. Madonna, of all people, Gwynnie? Really? I mean, Gwyn’s mom Blythe Danner? Now that’s a hot woman...
There appears to be some sort of daytime talk show Diva Dyke throw down occurring in Italy. It’s Big Gay Ellen Degeneres and her hot piece of ass Portia de Rossi – or Mandy Rogers as my fave blogger Michael K. from DListed.com won’t let it rest now that he’s discovered Portia’s real moniker – versus The Great and Powerful Wizard Oprah and her BFF of questionable limits, Gayle King.
What are the odds that the two most powerful women on television would up and decide to get their pasta on at the same time? Is the Big O hoping to fuel a lesbian narrative that might boost her waning popularity? Or perhaps Big Gay Ellen, Portia, Oprah and Gayle are on an Italian double date? I can just picture the four of them, paired off and slurping spaghetti at an Italian Ristorante, like The Lady and the Tramp. Sorry, but you know Oprah's gonnna get the lion's share of the spaghetti. Poor Gayle.
The Queen of “Suck it Jesus,” Kathy Griffin loves her gays, and by gays we mean men, but the laser-tongued gal has been hanging with the lesbian icons of late on her hilariously wicked, My Life on the D-List. Last week, Kathy headed to Australia for gay pride and made a pit stop at a costume shop to get her best drag on with bi-sexual babe Margaret Cho and spritely gay icon Cyndi Lauper.
This week on the D-List, Kathy, who’d proudly been re-banned from The View for her acerbic remarks about Barbara Walters’ proclivity for Astro Glide lube as opposed to KY, donned her best outfit and headed to Big Gay Rosie O’Donnell’s house to pimp out her assistants to engage in crappy crafting with Ro. Later, Kathy engaged in a little luncheon with gay friendly darlings Molly Shannon and Forever Karen Walker, Megan Mullally. That’s a lot of Lesbo friendly action for two episodes of the D-List.
First, the good casting news. Weeds’ MILF extraordinaire Mary Louise Parker is slated to play gay with French beauty Julie Delpy in the up-coming Les Passages. An American in Paris story with a lesbian twist. How can you go wrong? MLP’s been a friend to the gays since her remarkable role as the sweet fag-hag in Longtime Companion. She’s also played the object of Whoopi Goldberg’s affection in Boys on the Side and of course, she played Ruth, the object of Idgie’s – Mary Stuart Masterson’s – affection in Fried Green Tomatoes. Sure producers washed the queer right out of that movie but Masterson copped to James Lipton on Inside the Actors’ Studio years later that she and MLP had most certainly decided that their characters were full-on dykes, albeit sweet Southern ones….
Now for the bad news… Dumb ass Robert Rodriguez and the woman he left his wife to bang on the set of Grindhouse, Rose McGowan, have gone their, not surprisingly separate ways, leaving a hole in the casting of his remake of the Jane Fonda, cult Sci-Fi Classic Barbarella. McGowan was slated to don Jane’s silver thigh highs and wield a toasty anti-matter weapon. And file this under please God let it be a momentary lapse of judgment, but Jessica – —black hole of personality – Alba is set to star. I realize that Jessica's supposed to be some proto-lesbian icon since Dark Angel but personally, I’d rather Jane drag her 70-year-old aerobicized, semi-retired ass up and play Barbarella: The Golden Years. – Issued by Gay Link Content
Cyndi Lauper's True Colours