This week in the world of lesbian gossip
Tracy E. Gilchrist | July 18, 2008
Sarah Silverman, Mary Louise Parker
It was bound to happen. Sassy Sarah Silverman and her thick hunk of man meat Jimmy Kimmel aren�t fucking Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, or each other� anymore. That�s right girls. Sarah Silverman is single! Whoops� no really, I�m sorry for her pain during this difficult transitional period.
Break-ups are a bitch but according to Sarah�s and Jimmy�s reps, the pair has parted amicably. The acerbic and witty couple – let�s be honest, she�s hands-down funnier than he is – have split after five years of living in sin together after meeting and falling head over during a Hugh Hefner Roast. As only she could, when she met him, Sarah publicly called Jimmy fat and boring and he followed that up by offering her job on Crank Yankers and then falling for her.
Star of the ridiculously off-color and hilarious The Sarah Silverman Program, Sassy Sarah has made half of her career skewering Jimmy, their sex life and his private parts. The hottest Jewish girl to ever make vagina lips on national television to emulate Britney Spears� bared beaver, Sarah bestowed a love letter of a different kind to Jimmy on the fifth anniversary of his show Jimmy Kimmel Live. Thus the anthem �I�m Fucking Matt Damon� was born.
Never – or rather always – one to let his woman best him with her humor and sex appeal, Jimmy retaliated with the sweet, if not, incomparable �I�m Fucking Ben Affleck.�
I mean, Jimmy�s star power and straight boy homo silliness landed Brad Pitt and Harrison Ford for guest appearances but Damon�s cuter than Affleck. There�s no disputing.
Again, while it�s sad for Sarah to have come to the close of her relationship, here�s hoping she jumps the fence for her next video. How about something fun like, �I�m Licking Kate Winslet?" Or maybe something less international like �I�m Fisting Scarlett Johansson?� Or� maybe I shouldn�t go on. This is definitely a slippery slope.
Like the second coming or Armageddon, after a myriad of fantasy, myth, fear-mongering and false alarms, Mother Superior Angelina Jolie of the Holy Order of MILFs and Bad-Assed Action Stars, has dropped her twins. Angie and her man, the admittedly adorable, Brad Pitt became parents for the fifth and sixth times to lil' Vivienne Marcheline – named in honor of Angie�s mom who passed away last year – and Knox Leon – named for Brad�s gramps.
Ange birthed the angels at a tres chichi private hospital in Nice, France on Saturday. Nice�s mayor, or highest public official made a television appearance to say that the town was thrilled to be the next, ostensible Bethlehem.
Who can begrudge these two do-gooders? Saving the world one adopted baby at a time? Side-stepping the paparazzi and hawking their own baby�s pics to People mag or the highest bidder for charity? But Ange, now that you�ve got half a dozen off-spring or way-off�spring, how about throwing the gay ladies a bone and playing your former bi-sexual self in a biopic of Angelina Jolie� the Early Years?
If a gut-clutchingly funny, famous comedian and sit-com star came out of the closet would anybody notice or give a damn? What if that same funny lady married her small screen, same-sex co-star on national television? Well�Wanda Sykes and star of The New Adventures of Old Christine, with the cracker-jack timing, Julia Louis Dreyfus, are set to tie the girl-on-girl knot California style for the show�s season premiere.
Details on just how this hilarious odd couple get to the point of dual wedding gowns, vows that include an Audre Lorde poem and a wedding march yodeled by Joni Mitchell are unclear, but who cares. Good on Wanda. Who knows if she�s a homo or not but she sure doesn't give a fuck if folks think she is.
Touring with Cyndi Lauper�s Homopalooza, or True Colors, earlier this month, Wanda referred to her �girlfriend,� and I don�t think she was talking about the kind that accompanies you on 12-year-old boy/girl double make out movie dates. Wanda also riffed on California�s recent legalized gay marriage, asserting that �WE need to vote� against the proposed anti-gay marriage amendment in November, so that �WE fight for OUR civil rights.�
It took four – or is it five? Who can count? I�ve had a rough week – episodes but Weeds Season Four finally hit its stride this week. Don�t get me wrong. Since she played the hottest fag hag in the Village in Longtime Companion 18 years ago, I�d watch Mary Louise Parker clip her toenails. But, as smokin� a MILF as MLP is, she and Elizabeth Perkins light up the screen when they're together.
Tune in to this week's episode and watch MLP�s dealer, drug trafficker, hot-ass Nancy Botwin as she torments her former neighbor, nemesis, best gal-pal, City Councilwoman Celia Hodes, played by Perkins. In a single episode, Nancy manages to save Celia�s ass from drug king-pin Guillermo, knock out Celia�s tooth with the butt of a gun, drag her around by the window of a Prius, buy her a corn dog and claim her as her girlfriend. Now that�s true love.
Here�s to Weeds� creators and writers for getting down to their wickedly dark and funny roots for giving MLP�s Nancy – whose boss forces her to run a front of a maternity store in a strip mall – the line that underpins the show�s entire reason for being. �I don�t want to work retail. I want to traffic. I�ve got a family to support.� Touch� Nancy!
It�s Outfest 2008 here in Hollywood, and for anyone who�s not familiar, it�s the two-week long mega-gigantic mother of all queer film festivals. Screening follows screening, follows dumb-ass Q & A session, follows party, follows two ibuprofen and a hangover – and the cycle begins again.
But I�d like to take a moment to rub my bleary contacts, dried out and stuck to my pupils from sitting in a darkened theater for hours on end and congratulate Desert Hearts� director Donna Deitch – who nearly twenty years before Bette and Tina made lesbian fucking totally hot on The L Word, gave gay girls the steamiest, rawest sex scene this side of trashy porn – for nabbing the 12th Annual Outfest Achievement Award.
I�ve been remiss. I�ve gone four weeks without mentioning a little Lesbo reality show on Logo that I�ve been loath to admit I can�t stop watching. Gimme Sugar boasts a handful of loopy West Hollywood chicks out to fire up the next big thing in club nights. The dykes, the drama, the earnestly hip outfits and the hard to believe they�re not made up names. I can�t help myself. I�ve tried to stop but I keep flipping to Logo to discover what idiotic, semi-retarded behavior these girls will dream up next. And yet, like all the great flawed figures in fiction – from Hamlet to Gatsby – they�re somehow sympathetic.
This week, Charlene, Alex, Robin, Davonee, Bethesda – sorry, Bathilda�Djosefine, and the show�s break-out eat-her-with-a-spoon cutie-pie Sayeh, headed down to some shithole on Hollywood Boulevard for their brand-spanking new failure of a Lesbian night.
At one point, loud, obnoxious Davonee stood amid at least three of Hollywood Blvd.�s Scientology centers shouting down the street. I was kind of wishing one of Ron Hubbard�s minions would pull up in an unmarked white van, give her the trademark Scientology free stress test and then whisk her away only to return devoid of a personality ala Katie Holmes. But alas, no such luck.
Finally, Three's Company but flashing the old girl on the Home Shopping Network will scare the be-Jesus out of the little old ladies who've got their fingers poised on the touch-tone phones to order the latest piece of crap. Thigh Master creator, inventor, genius extraordinaire Suzanne Somers was on HSN hawking a cute little dress – cute for a six-year-old – when she flashed her granny panties to the world. Suze is about 30 years past her prime but she�s still a hot old cougar. – Issued by Gay Link Content
Lindsay Lohan, Kathy Griffin