FEATURE Baby-ventures Same-sex Couples and Surrogacy in South Africa Lisa Sonnekus | February 08, 2007 Note: Posed picture, NOT the people in the story "They were never mine" — Wanita's Story: "Three years ago, I started a job working as a receptionist at a hair salon. Meeting a lot of new people, I became very good friends with one of or clients. She visited our salon frequently and we got to know each other on a very personal level. One day we were discussing the topic of children and she told me how she suffered from severe endometriosis and had battled with infertility for more than a decade. At the age of 41 she had tried a number of fertility treatments, including Invitro Fertilisation (IVF) and donor egg implants, but nothing had worked. Her endometriosis got so bad that eventually she had to have a full hysterectomy, tragically ending any hope she had of carry her own child. It was after her hysterectomy that she considered using another woman as a surrogate. A family friend of hers offered to carry a bay for her but, after having had all the necessary preparation, just minutes before the implant, the woman changed her mind. She also tried to go through the channels for adoption but was unsuccessful. Hearing about her painful past and how she so desperately longed for children of her own made me realise just how lucky I was. I had two beautiful boys, aged 15 and 11, who I love more than anything in the world. I couldn't imagine how my life would be without them. Hearing all this just broke my heart. I wanted to help her. If I was infertile and I couldn't have kids, I would hope and pray that there would be someone out there who would help me. A few months later, after giving myself some time to think about everything, I decided that I would carry a child for her. The next time she came into the salon, I told her about my decision. At first she didn't take me seriously, but I insisted that we meet outside of the salon to discuss it. I told her I'd given the topic a lot of thought and that it was something I really wanted to do. We scheduled an appointment with the doctor and went ahead with the procedure. They used her husband's sperm to fertilise a donor's egg and implanted the embryo into my uterus through IVF. The treatment worked and I fell pregnant with twin girls. At first I was a little scared of the idea of carrying two babies at once but we'd spoken about the possibility of multiple births with IVF before and so I had already prepared myself mentally for it. My friend and her husband were both very involved in the pregnancy. She kept a close diary of everything from my morning sickness to my cravings, as well as photographing my tummy as the pregnancy progressed. She came with me to all the doctor visits and scans. Her husband also came along to see all the sonar's. They paid for all the expenses relating to the pregnancy and bought me maternity clothes. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I met a wonderful man and we moved in together. He was so supportive and accepting about the pregnancy and did everything he could to make me feel comfortable in my new body. My friend, her husband and my boyfriend were all present at the birth of the twins on July 10, 2006. I can't describe the feeling I had when I saw the expression of her and her husband's face as they watched the paediatrician cleaning the babies. Their eyes were filled with tears of joy. It was such a rewarding feeling, knowing that I had given them the greatest gift of all, the gift of life. Nothing in the world could ever take away that feeling I had in that moment. Immediately after their birth, the twins were registered in her and her husband's names and placed in intensive care for six weeks – they had been born premature at seven-and-half months. They came to see them everyday and were overjoyed when they were finally able to take them home. I still keep in contact with them via sms regarding the twins' progress but I don't have the longing or the urge to see the babies. I feel it's better for me not to be involved in their lives. I have been able to move on with m life easily. The twins are happy, well-taken care of and really, really wanted. It's a fantastic feeling knowing they are in the world because of me. A lot of people ask me the question, "how could I give away my babies." I can honestly say that there was never a time I believed the twins were mine. Although I gave birth to them I'm not their biological mother. They weren't created with my egg, or my partner's sperm – they were created using absolutely nothing of mine. My body just provided them with a safe place to grow. Being a surrogate is a choice to do something extraordinary for someone else. Seeing people struggle with infertility made me think about my own kids. Surrogacy has enriched my life and made me feel like I truly have done something extraordinary in this lifetime. People always say they want to make a difference and I know I have" — Wanita Although the Reader's Letter "They were never mine" telling Wanita's surrogacy journey was for a heterosexual couple, the path she walked is the same for a surrogate bearing a child for any other couple. Within the gay context, surrogates get mostly use by male same-sex couples or a single male. A more rare scenario will be for a same-sex female couple that find themselves unable to conceive due to medical reasons and then find a third party that is prepared to carry the child for the gestation period. Why do same-sex couples consider surrogacy (especially male couples) when the road is filled with so many decisions, hurdles and problems when you can adopt? One of the most obvious reasons is the biological tie to the child. The second reason is the obstacles a same-sex couple face adopting a non-biological child. Co-jointly adoption for same-sex couples became legal since 2001 but your options are still limited as biological mothers rarely chose a same-sex couple as adoptive parents. Your options are limited to trans-cultural/racial adoption should you look at adoption as a white same-sex couple. Majority of couples prefer to adopt within their own race group due to other issues involved. Social workers advise same-sex couples to first identify the child they want to adopt and then start the proceedings. Your chances are limited, if not nil on a waiting list. Inter-country adoptions are littered with politics and work agreements; sadly many of them do not cater for same-sex couples. Food for Thought: Baby-ventures asked Wanita if she would have done this for somebody other than a close friend. "I don't think so. I have thought about this before and feel that if you know the person personally, you would also know into what type of care the children would be placed... not knowing the person would always make me wonder if I did the right thing" Will she do it again? "Most definitely. As I wrote in the article, it sure is the most rewarding feeling ever doing something like this" Wanita went for counselling and psychological assessment, to ensure she was prepared for the procedure of giving up a child carried and nurtured for the gestation period. Her advice to anybody considering surrogacy or are looking at using a surrogate: "For me personally – make sure who you ask, and, who is doing the asking "Have some background on them. "One thing that I found, by reading up on the subject, was that it's easier for a person who already has children of their own, to give up a child. "I personally realized the difference knowing how it felt to have children that I knew were created by me, and not someone else. "The bond feels different, not easy to explain if one hasn't gone through it" Send your comments to or share your story with lisa.sonnekus@baby-ventures.za.net – Issued by Baby-ventures Related features ....and baby makes three