Sex talk
Speaking of Unwelcome Erections

Simon Sheppard, QSyndicate.com

Janssen Books Sean, 21, has a "problem" with his new boyfriend. "Being within ten feet of this guy gets me hard," he complained to me after reading a recent column.

I have no control over my penis when he's around. On our first date, he put his hand on my shoulder and I had an instant erection. He was trying to be affectionate, but I was too busy trying to conceal my hard-on to reciprocate. We want to go out to a club and dance, but I'm dreading what could transpire. ..."

So what can a guy do about an over-eager knob? Well, let's assume that some possible anti-erection moves - drinking too much, taking amphetamines, using impotence-producing prescription drugs - are simply too radical to consider. That leaves several possibilities.

First, there's avoidance of stimuli. Sean could end his relationship with his erection-producing boyfriend, but that hardly seems reasonable. And the man who complains, "Every time I look at a man's crotch, I get hard," can stop looking, but how likely is that?

There's also the possibility of getting in some pre-date chicken choking, thereby lessening the reaction (however temporarily) when with Mr. Wood-producer. And, hey, a quick wank is always fun, right? Just pay attention and avoid a There's Something About Mary incident.

There's also concealment. It's easier today to hide an errant stiffy with baggy skater-boy pants than it was in the days when skin-tight jeans were all the rage. Oversized, untucked shirts can work, too, if they suit your fashion image. But it's what you wear under your pants that can make the real difference. While tight underwear or a sturdy jockstrap won't keep a dick from getting hard, it will direct it upward against the belly, where it can throb less obtrusively. Spandex bicycle shorts are particularly adept at dick control. Rubber fetishwear shorts do the job, too, and are way kinky to boot. Of course, comfort counts. Boner-binding underwear shouldn't produce any more pain more than you'd get from standard blue balls. Watch out for chafing. And remember that rubber undies don't breathe, so they'll make you sweat and may produce jock itch as well.

There's another possible solution: the "Slut Option." While only hardcore exhibitionists want to strut around proceeded by intrusive erections, sporting a semi-perceptible woody is no crime. If concealment's not totally effective, it might be just as well to get beyond embarrassment. After all, half the human race gets erections, and most of the other half is at least reluctantly tolerant of male lust. What Sean was reluctant to say to his boyfriend boils down to, "You turn me on so much, you hot stud," and that's something that, let's face of it, most of us would love to hear. And if a man with a bulge in his khakis seems sex-obsessed, well, most of us are sex-obsessed and we might just as well fess up to the fact.

In time, the average 21-year-old sex machine may become a middle-aged man asking his doctor about Viagra. So, while the satyr with a stiffy might not want to sport it in the Communion line, there's a time and place for everything. Boner-boy might wear supportive underwear, not rub up against strangers on a bus, but otherwise just relax and enjoy the ride. And who else would notice the bulge, unless they were cruising crotches, the pervs?

Simon Sheppard is the author of Kinkorama: Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion

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