Sex talk
Speaking of Holes

Simon Sheppard, QSyndicate.com

When it comes to behinds, the world might well be divided into two sorts of people: those who think How on earth can anyone find an asshole attractive? and those who love – no, simply adore – holes.

"Back when I was younger," says a top who's pushing 40, "it was all about dick, dick, dick for me. But as I came to discover I was mostly a top, I started playing with butt a lot, and now when I look at porn pictures, the ones that show a guy's hole turn me on the most."

While nonenthusiasts may shrug and say, "You've seen one, you've seen 'em all," anal aficionados tend to take a more aesthetic approach to ass.

Our 40ish top continues, "There are some really lovely buttholes out there. I'm partial to smoothly symmetrical puckers, though there are some nice slit-type holes, too. One thing I personally don't like is shaved butt. Give me a hairy crack any day." He smiles. "And anyway, stubble is hard on the tongue."

The anus is the most disparaged body part; stupid, objectionable people are "assholes," and it's nastily dismissive to tell someone, "Kiss my ass." Yet the lowly butthole is in fact a multi-tasker, not just an exit, but a major erogenous zone, too, chock-full of delight-producing nerves. And it's a portal of pleasure for a top with a hard-on. No wonder so many dudes worship the pucker.

Of course, Mr. Rosebud also deals in waste disposal, which freaks out some guys to no end. That's not to say the fun has to get funky; all but the very kinky prefer tail to be at least moderately tidy. "Things don't have to be totally spring-fresh down there," says one fanny fan, "but I�d rather not be grossed out." Showering and – more controversially – douching can keep things nice and neat. Accidents can happen though, and at such times a lack of squeamishness and a sense of humor can prove invaluable. And no matter how clean a hole may look, there's still the possible presence of germy things, both serious and not-so. Remember: An ounce of prevention is worth a pint of Pepto-Bismol.

Still not sold on the glories of hole? A good first step on the road to nether-regions nirvana is to make friends with your own butthole. It's been a faithful friend to you all these years, so treat it nice. Keep it scrubbed and hemorrhoid free. Stroke it. Play with it. Let your fingers do the fucking. You might even want to splurge on a dildo or two to pay it a visit.

Novices fear that anal penetration will be painful, but it need not be so. Most discomfort that occurs is the result of insufficient relaxation: Uptightness and shame are the foes of fun. Breathe deep and enjoy yourself. As an old funk song says, "Free your mind and your ass will follow."

And, of course, you'll always want to keep some latex condoms and plenty of water-based lube around, just in case a cock comes to call.

Learn to love butt. Then when Mr. Right strips down, spreads his perfect cheeks, and reveals his quivering hole, you'll be prepared to admire it, adore it, and treat it right. And when he returns the favor, you'll be dilated, twitching, and moaning with the best of 'em.

Who knows? The next time you're flipping through a dirty magazine, you might find yourself drawn to the pictures of puckers. And you wouldn't be alone in your anal enthusiasm. A beautiful butthole, after all, is a terrible thing to waste.

Simon Sheppard is the author of Kinkorama: Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion

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