Sex talk
Speaking of Obsession

Simon Sheppard, QSyndicate.com

Sometimes it's tough to let boyfriends be bygones. "I know he'll come back to me," says one forlorn romantic, months after his honey called it quits. "He's just got to."

Sure, everyone's reluctant to let go of a good thing, but when does hunting for love – and its sloppy sibling, sex – morph from persistence into something a damn sight less healthy? We may like to think of ourselves as calm, controlled adults, but when it comes to dicks and the men who sport them, even the soberest of us may mistake randiness for reality.

With work and communication, Mr. Romantic may be able to get back together with his ex-main squeeze. But sometimes, as hard as it may be, it's just as well to let go of the past. Or the possibilities of the future: you may have a yen for Henry, but what if he doesn't hanker for you? You can obsess, or you can move on.

The mix of desire and testosterone can be a real witches' brew, often resulting in an uneven balance of lusts that can be big trouble indeed. One handsome young man remembers a trick that turned into a nightmare. "I had sex with an older man I took home from a bar one night. He was obviously very much into me, but he seemed a little weird. Unfortunately, I'd given him my phone number, and soon he started calling in the middle of the night. Then he'd show up on my doorstep and call out my name. Eventually, when he began following me around, I had to go to the police."

Differing expectations about tricking can be tricky, too – one fellow might consider a quick fuck as the prelude to months of dating, while to the other, it can be no more than a pleasant evening's entertainment. If you're on the short end of the sex stick, don't take it too hard. Just remember the gay guy's mantra: "Men sure can be pigs sometimes."

Unrequited crushes can be fun for a while, or they can be fucked-up torture. Worshiping from afar, fantasizing incessantly, beating off till your dick's raw – are you sure that the cute guy in your poli-sci class is worth all that psychic energy? "How can I make him notice me?" the question goes. "How can I tell him how much I want him?" The simple answer: go ahead and tell him. But that can be awkward and even scary. It may seem easier to pine away obsessively than to take the plunge and risk failure.

"Often I notice my erotic obsessions boil down to the stupidest small things," says one fellow who's ridden the roller coaster of horniness more than a few times. "Stuff like the curve of an ear or the way a man's ass moves. I recently realized that many of my love objects look sort of like this boy I played chess with, way back in junior high school. We never actually did anything, of course, but I guess I'm still working out an old crush."

Sexual obsessions are exactly that – a refusal to let go and move on. Fuck-based fixations can be pleasant diversions, something to wank to before you get to sleep. And they often subside with the passage of time. But if they're more like disabling self-indulgences, then it's healthy to take yourself in hand (and no, not in that way) and try to get over Mr. Supposedly One-and-Only. There are plenty of other hunks in the sea. Go fish.

Simon Sheppard is the author of Kinkorama: Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion

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