How often do you masturbate? Between 6 and 10 times a week, according to a
survey in the gay skin mag Unzipped. The majority of their readers also said
that they masturbate in the evening, whilst watching a porn video, without
using any lubricant, and claim to have had a multiple orgasm. When they
come, they keep their eyes open as their bodies shake, their toes curl up
and their balls pull up into their groin. The whole procedure takes 10
minutes while their orgasm lasts up to 30 seconds as they shoot onto their
stomachs. Does this sound familiar? Or are you like the 16 men in the survey
that prefer to shoot onto their dog or cat? The majority wank alone,
although they would prefer to do it in a group. Haven't they heard of The
Factory?
Why do we masturbate? Sure, I know it feels good, but there is speculation
that the real reason is to increase the number of young, fit sperm available
for your next bonk. With a woman. You have between 2 and 3 billion sperm
cells in production at any given moment. Roughly 300 million finished cells
emerge from the assembly line every day, all ready and eager to fertilise an
egg. Some of them could grow old and weak waiting to be used, so have a
wank, get rid of the tired and infirm to make way for the new guys. Makes
sense, as long as your sperm factory doesn't shut down when it realises you
are queer, and that there is very little chance of any of its little
warriors ever finding an eggy target.
In the eighteenth century and well into the twentieth, self-abuse, or
self-pollution, was considered bad for your health. Consequences were
thought to be anything from insanity, blindness, gonorrhoea, and priapism to
hairy palms. Why? It was believed that one ejaculation was equal to the
loss of half a litre of blood, and because the masturbator relied on fantasy
for stimulation, the brain became overheated. If you wanked too much your
brain would shrivel and rattle around in your skull like a dry walnut.
Besides wearing tight pajamas or being handcuffed to the bedposts, it was
recommended at various times that one should drink quinine to curb the
desire to wank, take cold baths, or sew the foreskin shut. Applying leeches
to the penis to suck out the 'congestion' was another alternative, or
plugging the urethra with electrodes, or even passing long needles into the
prostrate gland. Ouch!
The Americans of the nineteenth century were equally obsessed with a
masturbation phobia and the need to retain semen. A semen-free life was
considered to be the ideal. Isaac Newton supposedly never lost a single drop
of semen, which enabled him to think such profound thoughts about apples.
Eating bland foods was supposed to inhibit the desire to masturbate. That's
how John Kellogg made his fortune with his Kellogg's corn flakes. Feed
Johnny a bowl of corn flakes and his attention won't wander from his
homework. And for heaven's sake don't give him watermelon; that would cause
excitement of the penis.
Long before the world became so sexually uptight, Caesar, in his
Commentaries, said of masturbation, "To the lonely it is company; to the
forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and impotent it is a benefactor; they
that be penniless are still rich, in that they have this majestic
diversion... there are even times that I prefer it to sodomy." Indeed.
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