Spekinf of Beating Off

Simon Sheppard,

"The first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented some wonderful new treat," one confirmed queer masturbator recalls. "Imagine my surprise when I found out every other guy my age was doing it too. Eventually my dad and I had the requisite man-to-man talk. I distinctly remember him telling me I'd find some girl I'd want to have sex with, and then I'd stop beating off. He was wrong on both counts."

Yes, hip hooray for masturbation – it's free, feels great, and you don't have to make small talk afterwards. But though we've come a long way from the superstitious nonsense of "It will make you go blind," choking the chicken still doesn't get the respect it deserves.

Though some of us think of ourselves as irresistible studs, with flocks of eager cocksuckers dropping to their knees before us, let's face it...damn near all of us beat off. Even those of us who have found Mr. Right usually engage in self-pleasuring – at least now and then. And bachelors may well whack it even more. Yet, for such a seemingly simple and perennially popular act, spanking the monkey has a barrelful of variations.

Some of us like it nice and easy, a slow, sensuous session of self-abuse. Others prefer a punishing pace, truly "beating the meat." Some concentrate on the head, others squeeze the shaft, and many men supplement the stroking by tweaking their tits or caressing their balls. There are the "slap it around" guys, the "bounce it against the belly" brigade, and then there are those who swear by the fuck-the-pillow technique. Hey, it's all a matter of taste, so why not get out of your rod-rubbing rut and try some venereal variety?

And why not a toy or two lend you a hand? – From mad-scientist penis pumps to soft and sweet masturbation sleeves, ingenious aids to pud-pounding abound. Many an anally oriented fellow fingers his hole while wanking his willie, but dildos, butt plugs, and vibrators can make a solo session even hotter. And since safe sex isn't a must when you're on your own, any old kind of lube will do. Sure, latex-compatible water-based lube works fine, but here's your chance to use oily lotions, petroleum jelly, or that silky cream-shooter's favorite, Albolene. Grease up, lean back, and enjoy yourself.

A solo act can even get kinky. Exhibitionists jack off in front of mirrors, or – more riskily – show off their self-abuse skills in the oddest places. Bondage boys tie up their own cocks and balls. Cum pigs bend over backwards to shoot into their own mouths.

There's also the mental stuff. Many a masturbating man thinks about the hunky boy next door, while others engage in wholesale story-spinning. "I like to jack before sleep," says one man. "And when I do, I usually make up an elaborate scenario starring hot guys I know or movie stars or whoever. I start out with them dressed and, as I stroke, I have them slowly strip down and start playing with me. I try to hold off coming as long as possible, but usually before I get to the climax of the story, I've come and nodded off to sleep."

Masturbation need not even be a solitary pursuit. "There's nothing hotter to me than watching another guy jacking," says one eager voyeur. "Sometimes me and a pal will do a pure j.o. session, neither of us touching the other one, just sitting and watching one another pounding away. It seems like such a guy thing."

So whether you're up for a quick, stress-relieving spurt in the office men's room or a luxuriant all-night date with yourself, there's something at WankWorld for all of us. Can't beat that.

Simon Sheppard is the author of Kinkorama: Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion

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