Sex talk
Speaking of Cock Size

Simon Sheppard, QSyndicate.com

About all anyone remembers from that crappy remake of Godzilla are the billboards that read, "SIZE MATTERS!" Many of us could only nod in agreement. For among queer men, no topic is more obsessed-over than the dimensions of that little monster between our legs. And the question we ponder is: "Just how does my meat measure up?" Science, ever eager to lend a hand, has done hard research. The Kinsey Institute's study of American college-age guys remains the standard. In that study, 80 percent of hard dicks measured between 5 and 7 inches.

A smaller, more recent study by the University of California San Francisco has turned up shorter dicks, the average stiffy measuring a tad over 5 inches. This may be due to the makeup of the study groups; it seems that race does indeed make a difference, though not to the extent that legend would indicate. Yes, on average, black men do probably have somewhat bigger wangers and Asians somewhat smaller ones, but there's a lot of overlap; a Thai guy might well have a bigger whizzer than a Jamaican Rasta.

In a perfect world, there'd be an enforceable international standard for how cocks get measured. Scientists and conscientious lads do it along the top, starting at the pubic bone. But some guys apparently measure along the underside, thereby adding a handy inch or two. Guys being guys, we tend to exaggerate if we think we can get away with it. America is the land of the elephant-size "minivan," but also of "Buyer Beware."

Though conventional wisdom says, "It's not the meat, it's the motion," many of us, in our heart of hearts, don't believe it. So how about it, Godzilla-dick? Does size matter?

When it gets down to function, not form, size may not be the biggest thing to consider. God in his wisdom gave us different-sized mouths and varying gag reflexes; one man's deep-throatable tool is another's "Stop that or I'll choke!" And some buttholes can accommodate larger visitors than others.

Yes, getting fucked by a biggie does give many bottoms an extra measure of pleasure. Longer prongs can more easily make contact with the prostate, that little gland that, properly stimulated, has brought so much joy to so many.

But even small dicks can find the prostate, given the right position. The real problem lies in the tyranny of size. It's a shame our schlongs are so directly hooked up to our egos. To go back to that minivan thing, we don't all boast Lincoln Navigators between our legs. Some of us drive perfectly acceptable Honda Civics, and even a little Miata will get us where we need to go in style. What's really wrong with a smaller cock? Anything?

My friend Thom, who really does have a big dick, has complaints, believe it or not. "Guys look at me and only see my prick," he said.

"They compliment me on something I had nothing to do with getting. How about the shape my body's in? My mind? If I'm good in bed?" Now, some of us would love to have Thom's problem (and his 8-incher). But he does have a point.

There's the old cliche (quite unconfirmed by science) about "Big nose, big hose." So why do guys go to plastic surgeons to get their noses reduced, but their hoses enlarged?

It's a big mystery.

Simon Sheppard is the author of Kinkorama: Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion

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