Sex talk
Speaking of Coming

Simon Sheppard, QSyndicate.com

Sages remind us that the goal and the journey are one, which is to say that it's the getting there that counts.

But, hey, there are times when a guy just has to bust his nut. For most men in the throes of passion, the journey heads straight toward carnal release. "Let�s face it," says one sexually active fellow, "however hot things get, a good, hard orgasm is the icing on the cake. If the other guy and I don't both come, if it's as if the whole thing is a flop."

The expulsion of a few cc's of cum is traditionally viewed as the damply definitive marker of sexual success. Mountains of porn films illustrate the notion that the "money shot" is proof positive of penile pleasure. And some folks, like the fairly weird sex theorist Wilhelm Reich, would say that orgasms are not just enjoyable, but central to good health.

Opinions vary, though. One man who'd rather keep it up than get off says, "I think too much has been made of coming. I guess I'm greedy, but I try to delay my orgasm as much as possible, and if I don't come at all, it's usually OK with me. It does interesting things with my energy levels, kind of like tantric sex."

Certainly, men's sexual excitement tends to wane rapidly after shooting a good, gooey wad. The post-orgasmic moment is, if you're with someone you like, a perfect time to chat and cuddle. But if a come-and-go trick is involved, it's just as likely to entail wiping up and walking out. "I'll often get mildly depressed after I climax," says one otherwise well-adjusted guy, "and trying to make small talk with some naked man I don't know can make it even worse."

One thing that most men would agree is desirable, though, is coming-related consideration. "Man, I really hate it when some sex partner gets off before I do and then just ignores me. It's like 'I'm satisfied, and that's all that matters,'" complains one leather top. "And it's even worse if he's claimed to be a submissive."

There are fellows who, for either physical or psychological reasons, have a hard time getting off; doctors or sex therapists can often sort matters out for them. Antidepressants can make it hard to come, too. Sometimes, though, orgasmic delay is a matter of will – or even pride. Says an impatient lover, "My partner can go for hours – and I mean hours – without coming. He thinks it's hot, but half the time, I just think it's boring and frustrating. I get to a point where I either have an orgasm or lose interest...and my hard-on, too."

But on the flip side, there are also men who come too quickly – or at least think they do. If your partner is pushing you over the brink too fast, a simple but polite "Back off" can do the squirt-delaying job. And if your partner's too close too soon, a bit of restraint can work wonders with his willie.

Flying solo? Experiment while you wank: Masturbatory practice makes near-perfect. There are a number of tactics to delay your own big O, from tensing muscles to squeezing near-painfully hard on the head of your prick to thinking profoundly unappealing thoughts. On the other hand, rehearsing speedier self-pleasuring can make it easier to deliver expeditiously when the chips, er, pants are down.

In any case, remember that coming need not be the be-all and end-all of a roll in the hay. Neither is it proof that your boyfriend loves you. An orgasm is just a muscular spasm, sort of a cock-centered sneeze accompanied by intense pleasure and usually ejaculation.

And that's not anything to sneeze at.

Simon Sheppard is the author of Kinkorama: Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion

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