Sex talk
Speaking of Writing Personal Ads

Simon Sheppard,

Sometimes it pays to advertise. Like when you're looking to get laid.

Guys have been advertising for sex for a long, long time, writing classified ads for magazines or their local gay newspapers. But the advent of the Internet has turned writing cock commercials into a boom business.

"I don't need to hang out in bars anymore, just because I want to get laid," says one guy. "Now I advertise on the Web, and only go to gay bars to have a beer and socialize."

But not all sex ads are created equal. So how can mere words get you what you want?

First, figure out just what you do want, as well as what you're willing to settle for. Sure, be specific and detailed about what you desire; an ad is the perfect way to ask for something you may be too shy or ashamed to ask for in person. But be realistic. "Classifieds can be a great way of finding a date for someone with even the most specialized tastes, but the narrower your focus, the fewer responses you'll get," predicts a guy who works for a website that carries personal ads. "It's one thing to advertise for a guy who gets off by sitting naked on balloons till they pop. But requiring that he be a muscular redhead may be asking a bit too much." So decide: are you searching for that skinny boy in his mid-20s who loves dressing in drag and eating Puppy Chow from a bowl on the floor? Or just looking to get your dick sucked by somebody – anybody þ who doesn't remind you of your least favorite cousin?

Distinguish between your requirements ("Safe sex only") and your preferences ("Hairy and uncut are pluses") and you're more likely to find a guy to play with. And like Mom always told you, be nice. Attitude is rarely attractive. Saying "no fats, old men, or Asians" is unnecessarily insulting when you can say "I prefer slim, young white men" instead.

Be frank about what you have to offer, too. As with advertising of all sorts, honesty may be the best policy, but honesty can be bent. Still, assuming you actually want to meet someone and not just engage in endless correspondence, the truth will come out sooner or later. Online message boards are replete with warnings about men who showed up looking quite different from what their ad promised, guys who subtracted five years and added an inch or three. As one cruiser says, "Look at nine inches on a ruler. How many times have you seen a cock that size, really? Yet online everyone seems to be at least that big. Only problem for me is that I'm turned on by small dicks."

Make the real you sound as hot as you dare. You can always accentuate the positive. "A little extra meat" sounds nicer than "overweight," and that sounds nicer than "fat." Still, a rose-tinted self-presentation may not always be best. "Sometimes I'm looking for men who are frankly fat," says one man who shops online for sex. "Not a slightly chubby guy. A man who's fat and unafraid to say so." So if you are in fact a middle-aged man with small equipment and a big belly, remember that there are other guys into just that very type, and they're precisely the men you want to answer your ad.

Which brings up another suggestion: remember to cast your line where the fish are. Looking for fellow foot fetishists? Then advertise on a foot-play-oriented website. Same with small weenies, or Daddy/boy sex. It's an age of specialization, and there's a screw somewhere that fits even the oddest hole.

So sit down, write that ad, and order up the screw of your dreams.

Simon Sheppard is the author of Kinkorama: Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion

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